Crush

how lovely you are.
how lonely i feel.
these are the things i think of most
on the train, gliding past the fields
of green and red and yellow.
but all i see is blue
because i am lost in your eyes
in my mind.
this should make perfect sense.
but it makes no sense at all
because i can't stop thinking,
"what if?"
what if you were mine?
what if i really knew you?
would it still be the same?
i can't stop thinking about your eyes.
does this make sense
or no sense at all?
does it matter?
as i watch you across the room
i just want to tell you how lovely you are
and let you know you deserve the world.
i want to be lost in your eyes for real.
not just in my mind.
it would help me focus on these fields,
these glorious fields of green and red and yellow
if i had your blue eyes next to me
holding my eyes tight with a gaze.
then with your arms.
as we sit on the train together
taking in how lovely everything seems
side by side.

Natural Instint

i have this feeling.
everything is so real
in the most wrong way
that seems so right.
i have this feeling.
that the way we are
isn't quite what it seems
but it seems quite right.
i have this feeling
that i'm different
but we're the same
and we're swimming through the current
on the same wave at different levels
and it makes sense as a whole
because time is old news.
i have this feeling
that we were meant to grow
and learn together as a whole
as the trees do in the forsest
kissing each other and the sweet sun with their frames.
i have this feeling
that i have to go
but i'm going to stay
because the two of us
go together
in the same way
in a different sense
that isn't as it seems
but it's who we are
right or wrong
wrong or right
as we kiss each other and the sweet sun with our frame
that we form together.

the whore looks to get drunk every night because she craves guys
and craves the burn of alcohol in her stomach.
she doesn't care about anything but getting as trashed as possible
and looking cool infront of her new and old friends.
she wants people to like her. she wants them to know how confident she is.
she wants them to know her secrets. she wants to fit in. she wants to get fucked.
the whore tries so hard that she succeeds, but no one knows really knows her.
she gets so bad that when that time of year comes
to be serious, she can't concentrate. she's stuck in her ways.
she wants to go out. she wants to have fun but she's being held back.
she hates it. what does she do? she gets depressed. she doesn't know what to do.
her friends are still around, but she can't be with them all the time.
she finally has time to think about herself. she finally stops drinking every day.
the girl finally realizes that her life isn't worth it.
so she tries to change it with some new faces and some old.
some old routines, but not as much. and a lot of new
routines to make her get her head on straight again.
she feels even more confident than ever, but doesn't flaunt it.
the girl barely lets anyone bring her down. she's so optomistic.
her friends are great. they love her for this new person
she is, even though they may not know the struggle she's gone through
to become this new person. the girl feels at ease. she doesn't mind being on a leash.
she loves not getting drunk every day and every weekend. she feels healthier.
she feels healthier in mind and spirit. things seem right.
but do they really seem right, or is she just proud? she barely ever sees her friends anymore.
when she does, it's always a new story about how fucked up something is.
these people she's friends with are getting themselves into trouble.
they're ruining their own lives and they don't know who to blame because they've
never had the guts to blame themselves like she did. who's to blame?
they won't ever figure it out. so it goes on and on, left and right, back and forth.
the wreck gets down on herself. she's dragged into people's dramatic lives
and breaks down. she doesn't want to be involved, but she cares too much.
she can't concentrate on anything anymore. she tries to be good,
but she needs help. she gets help, but it still does not help whatsoever.
the wreck tries to remain calm, but it feels like it's not worth it.
she doesn't understand why her friends do this to themselves,
she can't imagine going through her old phase again after coming all this way.
but there's nothing she can do. back when ther and her friends were close,
she wouldn't listen to any outsiders' concern or advice.
she had to figure it out for herself. what is she supposed to do now?
she digs the needle deeper into her skin until it burns.
she makes more slashes down her arm on fresh skin because she misses that burn,
she wants to burn again.
she bleeds.
the whore had to discover the girl who turned into a wreck.

so, i haven't been on here for a long time. the past few months have been weird. i was careless during summer, and that's not exactly a good thing when i look back on it, although i did have fun. maybe my friends are bad influences, who knows. i don't. i just regret so many things now that i never thought i would. and i can't believe i wrote that one entry about dom, who i never ended up dating, and was the most pointless thing in the world. he wasn't my dream guy, obviously, since i avoided him after a while. its hard to find the right person, twice as hard for me. i've never had someone who made me feel like i'm the best thing that ever exsisted. i guess i didn't realize that there's better people out there, someone who could make me feel like i mean everything to them, until now. collin and i have been talking for only a few days, but i already see how much i mean to him. and how much he means to me. he thinks i'm beautiful, so beautiful. and i'm special to him, and i make him happier than could be. he recently lost his father, and went through a downpoint where he was addicted to heroine and pills. he went to rehab, and he's been clean for six months. i respect that, and i don't think of him as a bad person. he's not the happiest kid in the world, but i make him the happiest kid in the world. it's all because of me that he feels the way he does now. and it's all because of him that i feel so happy lately. although i feel happy, i'm starting to regret a lot of things and i can't take the pressure on my head. i can't just forgive myself so easily. i can forgive others, but not myself. it's just impossible. i need to work on that somehow. maybe i need to talk to someone, maybe i don't. who knows. there's this beautiful poem i came across today, and it really got me thinking. it's amazing how the whole meaning of life is changing. everything always changes. we never keep the same friends, we never fall under the same routines for our whole lives, we lose some things, we gain some things, we move on and sometimes we don't. human life is only temporary. nature is forever. it may change, and we may change, but life goes on. so what does this all mean? i don't know. i really don't know. but i can't help myself from thinking deeply like a moron.

The Tide Rises, The Tide Falls - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

i can't copy and paste, for some reason, and i don't feel like re-writing all of it. so go find it for yourself.

well, that last entry turned into bullshit. funny how feelings could change so easily. maybe there's just something wrong with me. but i feel happy. i'm golden.

my feelings for you.

this feeling you're giving me is amazing.
the look in your eyes makes it hard to think about anything else.
i don't feel awkward when i kiss you. i like it.
i like you. i like you a whole lot.
i never thought someone could like me as much as you do.
you make me feel like i'm special, and i appreciate it.
i love when you tell me i'm beautiful, because when you do
i start to believe i'm beautiful. i want to be beautiful for you.
i love when you say that i'm the prettiest girl you've liked before.
it makes me wonder if you've told this to other girls,
but i know you're telling the truth. i know it.
like you said, i'm different. and i belive it.
i respect that you want to respect me.
you want to take things slow because you don't want to mess up.
i like that idea. but i can't hold back from liking you a whole lot.
this was so completely random, but it's all falling into place.
i'm inexperienced, yes, but something about you wants to make me try.
i never thought this would come so naturally.
i used to spend all my days worrying about what it'd be like.
what would it be like to feel like this? to feel so much affection for someone?
now i know that feeling, and it doesn't worry me anymore. it makes me happy.
when you kiss my head, i don't think about the way my hair smells.
i know you like to kiss my head. i know you don't care what my hair smells like.
when you put your arms around me, i don't feel self concious about my body.
i know you like my body. and it takes me one step closer to confidence.
i don't give a shit what anyone thinks about us,
i just know that everything will be okay.
yeah, you may be a highschool drop out. but i'm going to face my mom and tell her
because i really like you, and i want to be with you. i don't care what she thinks.
i don't know when the day will come where i can call you my boyfriend,
but when it comes i'll be the happiest girl in the world.
i'd like nothing more than to fall for you the right way, like every girl wants.
like you want.

so, a lot of stuff has been going on in my life lately. for one, i think i'm finally set with eating right. i don't think about what i eat, i just eat it. and i eat when i'm hungry, and i eat healthy foods. i only like healthy foods. i can't really have junkfood anymore. so, that's a good thing. hopefully i get toned, i've been working out a lot, too. i just want to get toned and nice looking for summer. i'm not trying to look like a bag of bones again. i want to look muscely and toned. and i will.

another thing is that i found a boy i like. his name is dom. i used to talk to him a lot, and i used to have a little crush on him until i thought he was way out of my league for anything. but i hung out with him last weekend at a party with some friends, and he's awesome. he's not really a good kid, but i do like him. and he likes me. we're hanging out again tonight. i'm nervous this time now that i know stuff is most likely to happen. i'm excited too, but more nervous. i have no appetite although i'm hungry. ahhh balls.

one things that's bad is tanner. i told him about this guy i like, and he got pissed off. i was upset that he was mad, because i wanted him to be happy. then he came out of no where and told me that he's in love with me. then i felt bad for him. but then i realized how pissed it made me that he came out with this out of no where right when i find a guy i'm happy with. it's like he wants me to feel bad for him and be with him. that's never going to happen. i told him that i love being his best friend, but he's refuses to act like a best friend towards me. he always acts like we're dating or something, and we're not. i don't like him that way although he likes me that way. it's retarded. it pisses me off so bad. i told him how i felt, and he's like "okay i won't bother you ever again." i hate when people do that. like, lets fix this now, please? not drop it and leave it alone. i don't do that. i don't drop things and act like they never happened. i talk things out, i try to fix everything. and now he's not talking to me. he never answered back when i said "if you want to be my best friend, then why do you always act like it's something more? why do you do this to me if you want to be my best friend? why?" and nope. nothing. ugh. it makes me so upset.

another thing is i'm making new friends. all kinds of new friends. i have twice as many best friends as i did ever before. i'm liking it. i like me some variety. it's great. i can't wait till the summer where i can not be home ever. i can't wait.