i'm feel almost dead.

i'm so fucking depressed. i don't know what to do with myself, i feel like i'm hiding behind my thoughts and i'm just crumbling away on the inside. i have deep seated problems with my family, i want to be away from everyone all the time, i just want to smoke, i just want to get out of my body and go be someone else. not that i'm scuicidal or anything, i just want to get out of this fucking place that is considered my home. it's not a home. it's a death trap, it's weighing me down all the time. i need to just get out.my mom found my dad snorting pills last night in the basement. he used to be a huge drug addict, then he got clean and was the bomb. he loved my mom, he loves his children, he loved me more than the world itself. then he got diagnosed with bipolar, and refuses to believe the shit that's wrong with him.. doesn't take his meds because he's so fucking selfish. snorts pills in the basement and thinks we don't notice. my mom told me today, she thought i could handle it. and i can, i can handle my dad being a huge fucking asshole and tearing this family apart. but i hope he realizes i'm not gonna put up with this shit much longer. i'm studying for my permit, and next fall i just want to be gone all the time when i can drive. i want to work a lot, i want to hang out with my friends a lot, i want to smoke and not be home all the time. i think my mom would understand. my mom is such a strong person, and i take pity on her. she stays in this family because she loves my sister and i so much, and she'd die if she lost us in any way. i love her, even if she is a pain in the ass all the time and i have to constantly worry about what she thinks of me. but she puts up with all the bullshit my dad pulls and tries to make him a better man. but he's just so fucking selfish and caught up in his own world to care about anyone else's feelings. he's a prick, and we all know it. my mom puts up with everything because she's afraid if she left, my dad would go crazy and kill himself or become a huge druggy again. she deserves so much better. she deserves to be pampered and loved by a good man, not a fucking lunatic that hides in the basement and snorts pills all day long. i can never forgive him for what he's done to me and my mother. i love my mom, and i have nothing against her, but i hope she understands why i wouldn't want to be here anymore. my life, it sucks right now. i don't know what to think, what to say, how to feel.. i just know that i'm breaking down. i want so many things that don't have to do with my homelife, and i want to get out.i am getting dark blonde lowlights this summer, and i'm excited. it's a good change. then once winter comes next year, i'll dye it a little lighter again and have long, long blonde hair. it'll be good. i'm excited. i like change. i like to plan out little things that make me feel better about myself. like wearing make up, like losing weight, like dying my hear, like wearing nice clothes, like getting better grades, like finding a job. i need these things to survive. it's keeping me sane, having goals. if i just moped around all day like a scumbag like my fucking dad, i don't know what i'd do. i hope i never end up like him. i just want to smoke my pot, and drink some alcohol. i want to party, but i don't want to end up like a stupid little man who can't control himself.. who can't realize his family wants him to act as a father and a husband, i never want to be like him. i don't think i'm ever going to be able to look at my own father the same way ever again, and it tears me apart. but what can i do, seriously.. what can i do.